A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
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