My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
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