Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
what does Stalin use to wipe his mouth?
A Soviette.
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
My daughter asked me if I could put her hair in a bun. I said...
“I could but I think the baker might object”.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What do you call James Bond with no beard ?
Agent Zero Zero Shaven.
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
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