Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.
I really didn't mean to harm Monica.
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
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