Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
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