I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
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