I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
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