I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
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