What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
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