I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
When does makeup run?
When you mascare it off.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
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