What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
I hope for world peas.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
I yam what I yam.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
Time to celery-brate.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
Where does Thor grow his vegetables?
In his Asgarden.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
I love you from my head tomato
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
What a spud muffin.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
This foundation is rock salad.
I think therefore I yam.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
Keep calm and carrot on.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.