I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Q: Why do peas dislike noisy eaters?
A: Because they want peas and quiet.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.