I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'