I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
My heart is like an onion...
I'm never getting a discount organ transplant again
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
What do you call a sweet onion? Caramelized!
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!