Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.