A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.