Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.