What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.