A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
What is a hair stylist's favorite steak? A flat iron!
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!