I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
"You had me at merlot."
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
Why don't cows have any money? Because farmers milk them dry
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
"No wine left behind."
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.