Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
What's the difference between a Yankee Stadium hot dog and a Fenway Park hot dog? You can buy a Yankee Stadium hot dog in October.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.