What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
"I need to re-wine my life."
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!