The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
What is yellow and goes bzzzzzz? An electric banana.
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
How much does a corn flake weigh?
1 Kelloggram.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
What did you just call me? Just because we’re Dark Chocolate does not give you the right to call us “Snickers”.That’s OUR word.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!