Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
What's slimy cold long and smells like pork? Kermit the frogs finger!
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
What did the egg say to the clown?
You crack me up.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”