The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.