How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.