I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!