Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What did the coffee say about its late assignment? Better latte than never.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.