My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
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