A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
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