What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
My wife just threw out our computer, shattering all the glass.
I guess she doesn’t like windows.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
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