I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
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