My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
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