A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.