I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”