I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”