The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
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