My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
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