How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
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