Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
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