It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
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