My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
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