Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
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