Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Go to BabaMail
