Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica