The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
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