My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
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