My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
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