My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
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