The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
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