Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
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