What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
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