I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
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