What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
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