My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
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