Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
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