Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
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