They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Go to BabaMail
