Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Why did the King of Hearts marry the Queen of Hearts?
They were perfectly suited to each other.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
Never marry an archaeologist!
They're always digging up the past.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!