I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
Therapist: You have acute marriage phobia. Do you understand the symptoms?
Me: Can’t say that I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Marriage, it has a nice ring to it.
Two pebbles washed up on the beach. One says to the other, "Are you married?"
Other replies, "No, I'm shingle."
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
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