Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
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