A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
"What are you?" asks the cat.
"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature, are you?"
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "I guess I'm a gnome."
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Gnome! I can’t reach the doorbell!
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
Go big or go gnome.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
What do gnome standup comedians call a tiny pun?
Puny.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
A dyslexic witch cursed me!
Now everything I touch turns to glod, an increasingly disgruntled gnome.
Gnomes can be quite annoying when they’re indecisive. All they say is yes, gnome, maybe.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
Did you hear a gnome's favorite sport is baseball?
They love to score gnome runs.
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
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