My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
It feels great to hit the ball again. It spin a long time.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
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