A piece of cheese sees his cheese friend looking a little disheveled. “Are you OK?” he asks.
“I’ve felt grater”, his friend coughed.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
Can I go to France this year? Of Corsican!
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
"Time to wine down."
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
What's the best time of year to see gorillas in the wild? Ape-ril.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
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