What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
You have a pizza my heart.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
What did the arirst say to his friend who was stressed? Don't worry, paintbrush it off.
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
Lost on a mountain, you can collect rainwater to drink during storms.
Otherwise, you just have to make dew.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
What’s the first thing a gorilla learns in school? The ape b c’s.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
Once I told a joke about mosquitos...
It was malarious.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
Shave a single shingle thin.
What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?
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