I listenend to the football game on the radio. It was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.
So I tirned to my dad and said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"
My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
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