What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
What's a Vikings favourite dance?
The Loki cokey.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
when I’m with you.
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