What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
Seas the day!
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Tropic like it's hot.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
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