Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
“Dachshund Through the Snow.”
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
I’m soy
into you.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
According to a geologist, why is the world so diverse? Because it's made up of alkynes of people.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
Hardcore programmers will agree that neither of them would use AC because they all prefer to open windows.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
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