A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
What is another king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Reign!
I’ve started dating Medusa recently.
Our relationship rocks!
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
Are you squiding me right now?
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
What type of flooring do alligators have in their homes?
Rep-tiles.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
When a lion takes a lioness from another lion, he kills and eats any cubs she has. You'd think he'd be ashamed of himself.
But apparently he just swallows his pride.
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
My friend was bragging about his new L-shaped sofa, so I told him I had one too.
It's just lowercase.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
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