What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
Do not be sad because of these bad words. You are always a fineapple in my heart.
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
The zombie astrologer writes really scary predictions.
They're horror-scopes.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
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