What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
Take a page from the book and leaf.
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Owl always love you.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
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