Seas the day!
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
I told my son that I wash my hair with poo but I lied.
It’s not real poo, it’s a sham poo.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Tropic like it's hot.
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Did you hear the horse and the pig are dating?
They’re in a stable relationship.
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
My local Italian restaurant is moving to Italy
They are moving to greener pasta.
Do you want to know what you get when you cross a newborn snake with a basketball? Really! Ooh you will end up with a bouncing baby boa.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
Why are bad knitters and Christmas trees alike? They both drop their needles.
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
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