What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
What board game do deer families always play?
Buck-gammon.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
We are mint to be.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
I have bean thinking about you.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
Medieval Kings and Queens were carried by their soldiers and servants. I am not lying, they litter-ally carried that way!
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
Who has the best place on a sailing ship?
The mast, because it has the pole-position.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
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