Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
When we put our two hearts together, we can’t be beat.
French history is nothing to Lafayette at.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
Six sleek swans swam swiftly southwards.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
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