What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
What is Medusa’s favorite cheese?
Gorgonzola.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
"Love the wine you're with."
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
Tis the sea-sun.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
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