Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
It's a buccaneer
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
Just had Lobster Bisque for the first time!
It was souper good!
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
"I mead more wine."
Calm before the score
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
Time fries when you’re having fun!
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
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