Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
What is the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a crab with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
Make it rein.
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
May the mass times acceleration be with you.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
I've been thinking of U periodically.
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
Why did Van Gogh become a painter? Because he just didn't have an ear for music.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
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