What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
"Read between the wines."
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
I love making new friends.
That’s why I studied under Dr. Frankenstein.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
A soda company printed Michael Jackson on all of their cans
He really is the king of pop
I always have a ball with you.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
How did the ghost get from New York to London? British Scare-ways.
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