I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym?
Hard core.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
I just got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
If you used a keyboard with built-in speakers, you would be...?
Stereotyping.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
What's the difference between Greek yogurt and regular yogurt?
Greek yogurt has a rich cultural history.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
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