As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
I’m feelin’ green.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
It’s worth a shot.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
Did you hear about the pig that ran the Post Office?
He was the first Porkmaster General.
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
Don't fork-get your manners.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
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