Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
Did you hear the was a fire at a used furniture store and two people died next door?
It was due the second hand smoke
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut!
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
Which is the fanciest onion? A cocktail onion.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
The farmer cried wolf when all his three pigs were mauled by the jungle wolf.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
What do you call a professional beach volleyball player who doesn’t have a boyfriend or a girlfriend? Homeless.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
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