Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Irish you a happy St. Patrick’s Day!
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
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