Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
What does a polite vampire say to its victim?
- Fang you very much.
The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine.
I think I struck a nerve.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
I cut down a tree in my yard, but I don't know what to do next.
I'm stumped!
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
Why did the monster eat the caboose? The locomotive told it to choo choo.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
What kind of ghoul has the best hearing?
The eeriest!
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
What did the cow that was struck by lightning say?
I'm udderly shocked.
I’m very frond of you.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
I’ll be there in a pinch.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
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