An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
If you’re doing dangerous work on a platform that’s held together by screwed in bolts, then your life is hanging by a thread.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
Why do physics professors prefer overweight students?
They have greater potential.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
Come witch me to the party.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
What is serial killer Buffalo Bill's favorite fast food restaurant?
Chick Fillet.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
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