So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
How do you keep the snow from giving you cold feet?
Don’t go around BRRfooted!
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
My son wanted a pet spider but they're to expensive.
I told him I'll get him one off the web.
Silent Violin for Sale
No strings attached.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
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