What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
What’s the best tool to install an electrical plug with?
A socket wrench.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
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