Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
"That's all, yolks."
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
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