What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
I have the final sleigh.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
Whale, hello there.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
I used to know two birds who excelled in ballet...
They were two toucans.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
What do you get when you spill soup on a comic book? Souperman.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
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