Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
What is the left side of an apple? The part that you don't eat.
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
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