What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
Why didn’t one skeleton want to look at the other skeleton?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
The pint’s the limit.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
What did the tree say to spring?
What a re-leaf!
What’s green and pecks on trees?
Woody the Wood Pickle.
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
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