Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
Did you hear they are not making yardsticks any longer?
They’re not making them any shorter either.
What do trees write on? Loose leaf paper.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
What do you call dudes who love math?
Algebros.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
What helps a pirates hair grow?
Aaarrrgan oil.
What do you call a detective from the Reformation?
Martin Sleuther.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
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