Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
"I'm nuts about you."
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Have you seen Jake’s new custom trumpet? Yeah, that’s quite a unique horn, I’d know it anywhere.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Do you know why bread hates warm weather? It just makes things too toasty.
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
What do neurons do on their birthdays?
They cell-ebrate
“Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? He had the drum sticks.”
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Where does Google keep their ships?
In the Google Docs.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
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