What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
How do you give a deer a compliment?
“Fawn over him!”
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
These book puns have tickled your spine.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
Why do you need a password to make a camp fire?
So you can log in.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
What do you call a skeleton's favorite singer?
Pelvis Presley.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
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