Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."
You make miso happy.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
Dublin’ the fun.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
I went fishing in the ocean the other day and caught one fish
but I think it was just a fluke.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
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