Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.
I didn't know they could knit!
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Where do light bulbs go shopping? The outlet stores.”
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
What did Peter Pan call Tinkerbell when she corrected his spelling?
A Diction Fairy.
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
Go to BabaMail
