What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
How long do chickens work?
Around the cluck.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
The FBI are raiding an alleged spy's apartment when they discover a hard drive labeled "KGB".
One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, "Why wouldn't he just write 1 TB?"
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.
I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
How did the swim team manage to pay for new pool renovations?
They pool-ed their resources!
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
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