How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
Sip, sip, horray!
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Lost my bread knife the other day..
I'm absolutely gutted...we've been through thick and thin
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Flamingos are known by a different name when they dress up to go out – they call themselves glamingos.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
I would have gone to space, but the cost is astronomical!
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Did you hear about the unlucky man who bought some bananas? They were empty.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
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